February 12, 2002

Miscellaneous Subjects #127: Massive Corruption and Deceit in America


Hello everyone

The title says it all! I have so much more material coming for you - it is amazing to see my Inbox growing...

Jean Hudon
Earth Rainbow Network Coordinator
http://www.cybernaute.com/earthconcert2000


The biggest difference between the Russians and Americans was that Russians recognized that "the Party Line" was propaganda from the ruling elite, and Americans who receive "the Mainstream Press" fail to recognize it as "propaganda from the ruling elite" and mistake it for "reality."

- Bill Moyer quoted this from a great peace activist when talking to Carol Brouillet <cbrouillet@igc.org>


CONTENTS


1. Response and kudos
2. Enron: Tip of the Iceberg: Multi-Trillion Dollar Financial Scandal
3. An Orgy of Defense Spending: Bush's 'Axis of Evil' Rhetoric Fabricates a Need
4. Happy Days, Here Again
5. FRANKENFOODS: The truth at last!
6. SAT - Q&A


SEE ALSO:

Sept. 11 Activist Kit - What YOU can do.
Thanks to William Douglas for Emails on this page. Journalists and academics worldwide have put massive effort into this Activist Kit freely given worldwide. Please honour this work by USING THIS WELL, and encouraging all you know to use it well and then pass it on, and on.
Huge data document at: http://www.11september.20m.com/activist_kit.htm
Sent by "Doreen Agostino" <dagostino@rogers.com>

All the Columnists of the Working for Change website (GIVE IT A THOROUGH LOOK!)
http://www.workingforchange.com/columnists.cfm

OLYMPICS: GOLD, SILVER, BRONZE -- BUT NOT GREEN
The Winter Games are wreaking ecological havoc in Utah, as pristine wilderness is overwhelmed by development, traffic, waste and energy consumption.
http://www.alternet.org/story.html?StoryID=12344

Make sure to go see those A.M.A.Z.I.N.G visual oddities!!!
http://www.ryanaaron.com/taz/visual.htm
Recommended by "Leonard Spade" <Lspade@msn.com>




1.

From: "Donald Stacey" <dstacey@mediaone.net>
To: Ariel Ky <drumbeatdeva@hotmail.com>
Subject: Response and kudos
Date: Fri, 8 Feb 2002

Thank you for your comments in Jean's latest compilation. You write of the corruption of our country. You and I come at the issue from opposite starting points, I suspect, but I totally concur with your basic message that corruption has saturated our country during our lifetimes. I urge you to look into the role of the Federal Reserve and those who foisted it upon us(and their successors). Being older than you, I suspect, I have seen the results of systematic looting of Americans by the Fed and other parts of our government over the past 40 years.

How does this occur? Think of the ancient practice of "coin shaving" where monarchs would collect gold coins in payment of taxes and shave a tiny bit from each coin, thereby depreciating the money. Well that is what the Fed does, except it doesn't physically shave coins, it merely creates more paper money out of thin air. Each time it does so, the money in our pockets is worth less. So when you see soaring prices on homes, it is not that the homes are worth more. It is that the money to buy the homes is worth less, so more is required to purchase one.

And on a broad scale, our federal government has become unaccountable. Many 100's of billions, perhaps trillions if we knew all, has "gone missing" within our government in recent years and no one even loses their job. So when we agonize over the growing gap between the rich and the poor, it is easy to see that those who benefit from such extraordinary corruption are getting richer and those of us who dutifully send in our taxes are getting poorer.

Please continue to speak out on this subject. We "good people" far outnumber the bad guys but we are mostly asleep. If we can wake up and take action, we can right the situation. So keep telling folks about this extraordinary problem.

Don Stacey




2.

From: "Doreen Agostino" <dagostino@rogers.com>
Subject: Enron: Tip of the Iceberg
Date: Fri, 8 Feb 2002

Anything less than truth can no longer be sustained.

---

Multi-Trillion Dollar Financial Scandal - 'This Thing Involves Everybody'

By David Podvin

MakeThemAccountable.com
2-4-2

"Immediately after business slave George W. Bush took power, Corporate America went on a lying spree. Dan Rather, Tom Brokaw and Peter Jennings appear loath to report that such high profile companies as Viacom, General Electric, and Disney are also engaging in the accounting scheme."

Missing The Overall

A multi-trillion dollar financial scandal is occurring in the United States right now. It threatens to inflict unprecedented carnage upon Corporate America and horrific damage to our national economy. The mainstream media is aware of it, but most Americans are not, because the corporate news outlets refuse to report on it. It is not conspiracy. It is complicity.

The coverage of the Enron situation has primarily focused on the disintegration of a powerful corporation due to the deceit and criminality of those who ran the company. The few reporters who have looked below the surface have proven linkage between Enron's corruption and its political connections to the Bush administration. While the crimes of former Enron chairman Kenneth Lay and the collusion of former Texas governor George W. Bush are significant, the corporate media is selfishly choosing not to focus on the big story.

In February of 2001, Enron stock was trading above $80 per share, which placed a market value of more than $60 billion on the company. Today, the stock no longer trades, rendering Enron virtually worthless. It is crucial to remember that, despite the harrowing decline in its fortunes, the company never reported a bad earnings quarter.

Enron's duplicity is an extreme symptom of a financial cancer that threatens the health of the economy. The disease is a malignant accounting method that has received legal protection from conservative politicians on behalf of their corporate benefactors. It is called 'pro forma'. Originally intended to allow companies to compensate for extraordinary events that distorted their financial reports, the pro forma accounting method has led to the greatest fraud ever perpetrated.

Previously, publicly owned companies had been legally required to provide shareholders with an honest accounting of their earnings. The standard used was GAAP, Generally Accepted Accounting Principles. Under this method, a company would state its earnings based on the old fashioned equation of income minus expenses. Using pro forma, companies decide which expenses are irrelevant, thereby providing great latitude for creativity.

Freed from concerns about regulatory oversight, this country's biggest companies became dramatically more 'creative' with their earnings reports. Current estimates for S&P 500 corporations are that they have collectively earned about $410 billion in 2001 when using the pro forma accounting method. However, when using GAAP, they have collectively earned about $240 billion.

Those who claim that Enron was an exceptional case are technically correct. While Enron overestimated its earnings by 100%, the average large publicly held American corporation is overestimating its earnings by only 42%.

IBM reports pro forma earnings. So does Intel. And Cisco Systems. And Dell. And Sun Micro. And Motorola. And Microsoft. And... By engaging in such manipulation, with the assent of accountants and governmental oversight agencies, Corporate America has conned the public into investing trillions of dollars based on phony earnings. Cisco, for example, has used its artificially inflated stock price as capital to acquire other companies. Many corporate empires have been built on such accounting legerdemain, including General Electric (NBC), Viacom (CBS), Disney (ABC), AOL/Time Warner (CNN, Time Magazine), News Corporation (Fox), The Washington Post Company (Washington Post, Newsweek), the Tribune Corporation (Chicago Tribune, Los Angeles Times), and the New York Times Company (New York Times, Boston Globe).

Enron is the tip of an iceberg on which sits the entire mainstream media. A national association of accounting firms has called on the Securities and Exchange Commission to require all publicly held corporations to report real GAAP earnings. The return to ethical accounting standards would mean that, in order to reflect the current valuation of the Dow Industrials, the average would fall to 5825. In order to reach the historical norm based on GAAP, the Dow would decline to 3300.

A major decline in stock prices would erase trillions of dollars of investors' wealth. With the uninformed public currently heavily invested in the market, this would have a crushing impact on the finances of the average American.

In 1995, Senate Republicans and almost half of their Democratic colleagues joined to override President Clinton's veto of legislation providing corporations with protection from shareholder lawsuits. The leader of the effort to dramatically reduce civil liability for companies that report phony earnings was Wall Street lobbyist Harvey Pitt, who has made a career of defending the shady dealings of stock market thieves like Ivan Boesky.

Just as his father hid the magnitude of the savings and loan scandal until after the 1988 election, Bush is desperately trying to obscure the truth about Corporate America's financial sleight of hand in order to defer the tumbling of the house of cards until after the 2004 campaign. He expects to be helped in this effort by the man he appointed to be Chairman of the Securities and Exchange Commission, the one who is most responsible for seeing that corporations accurately report their earnings. Harvey Pitt.

The powers that be are pulling out all the stops. What they are fighting is the law of gravity. As the high powered executives at Enron learned, all the political machinations in the world can't prevent a stock from falling when the word gets out that the books have been cooked.

After investors discover they've been scammed, they sell, and the mightiest of companies can be crushed. Less than a year ago, Enron was the seventh largest corporation in America. Today, it is no longer functioning as a business entity. It is, for all intents and purposes, dead.

The greatest legacy of the Enron debacle will be increased public pressure on companies to report their real earnings. If corporations are forced to be honest, then there will be shocking revisions in the financial statements of America’s most prominent businesses.

The current situation is a scandal of almost incomprehensible magnitude, but it is not a conspiracy. For years, the disgrace of earnings manipulation has been an open, dirty little secret. Dissidents like the highly respected money managers at Comstock Partners (http://www.comstockfunds.com/) and brokerage analyst Alan Newman (http://www.cross-currents.net/charts.htm) have been screaming bloody murder about how Corporate America is cheating the public.

Their voices have not been amplified. Dan Rather, Tom Brokaw and Peter Jennings appear loath to report that such high profile companies as Viacom, General Electric, and Disney are also engaging in the accounting scheme.

The current reported level of corporate earnings is a mirage. The investing public has been taken for a magic carpet ride. The deceit of management, now so evident in the case of Enron, is endemic in corporate boardrooms across America. It is the massive impending economic fallout from that bitter reality which is the looming tragedy in this story.

While the media continues to focus on the microcosm of corruption at Enron, the public at large has yet to be informed of the epidemic of the earnings lies. As Deep Throat told Bob Woodward during the Watergate scandal, when the reporter was focusing on the criminal behavior of Nixon functionary Donald Segretti, "You're missing the big picture. You're missing the overall." "This thing involves everybody."

Sources:

Accounting For Options (item 3), Chetan J. Parikh, Capital Ideas Online, May 31 - June 13, 1999
Issue S&P P/E 37, Carl Swenlin, AegeanCapital Inc., August 3, 2001
Earnings Report Parodies, Comstock Partners, Inc., October 11, 2001
Smoke and Mirrors, Comstock Partners, Inc., August 22, 2001
How we got into this corporate mess, Dan Gillmor, TheDailyCamera.com, December 24, 2001
Spin on tech financial results comes under more scrutiny, Scott Herhold and Mary Anne Ostrom, SiliconValley.com, January 31, 2002
Disney Profit Beats Forecasts, Clouds Remain, Bob Tourtellotte, Reuters, January 31, 2002
Enron: Could your stock be next?, Paul R. La Monica, CNNMoney, November 30, 2001

"William Fleckenstein, president of Fleckenstein Capital, a money-management firm in Seattle that engages in short selling, says that General Electric is a company that fits this description. Although Fleckenstein is not shorting GE (GE: down $1.23 to $38.50, Research, Estimates), he says that investors would be wise to stay away from the stock because of all its moving parts -- a mish-mash of different businesses in several countries reporting in a variety of currencies. It's literally impossible to know what's going on there," he says. "In response to this criticism, General Electric spokesman David Frail says, 'GE is no more difficult to understand than AOL Time Warner (the parent of CNN/Money.com) or any other multi-business company." [So true.] CLIP




3.

Sent by "Mark Graffis" <mgraffis@islands.vi>

From: http://commondreams.org/views02/0205-02.htm

February 5, 2002
Los Angeles Times

An Orgy of Defense Spending

Bush's 'Axis of Evil' Rhetoric Fabricates a Need

by Robert Scheer

Now we get to see just how cowardly the Democrats in Congress can be. President Bush has proposed the most preposterous military buildup in human history--annual spending of $451 billion by 2007--and nary a word of criticism has been heard from the other side of the aisle. The president is drunk with the popularity that his war on terrorism has brought, and those sober Democrats and Republicans, who know better, are afraid to wrestle him for the keys to the budget before he drives off a cliff. The red ink that Bush wants us to bleed to line the pockets of the defense industry, along with the tax cuts for the rich, will do more damage to our country than any terrorist.

The result will be an economically hobbled United States, unable to solve its major domestic problems or support meaningful foreign aid, its enormous wealth sacrificed at the altar of military hardware that is largely without purpose. Why the panic to throw billions more at the military when even the Pentagon brass have told us it is not needed? Our military forces, much maligned as inadequate by Bush during the election campaign, proved to be lacking in nothing once the administration decided to stop playing footsie with the Taliban and eliminate those monsters of our own creation.

It was obviously not a lack of hardware that made us vulnerable to the cruelty of Sept. 11 but rather a failure of will by President Clinton, and then Bush, to brand the Taliban as terrorists and then to take out the well-marked camps of Al Qaeda with the counterinsurgency machine we have been perfecting since the Kennedy administration. Clinton authorized the elimination of Osama bin Laden in 1998, but the spy agencies simply failed to execute the order. Neither, apparently, were they competent enough to track Al Qaeda agents from training camps in Afghanistan to flight schools in Florida.

All this even though these agencies possess secret budgets of at least $70 billion a year, combined. Despite the ability to read license plates from outer space and scan the world's e-mail, our intelligence agencies lost the trail of terrorists who easily found cover with lap dancers in strip joints. The bottom line is that we need sharper agents, not more expensive equipment. There is not an item in the Bush budget that will make us more secure from the next terrorist attack.

That being obvious, Bush is now resorting to the tried and true "evil empire" rhetorical strategy, grouping the disparate regimes of Iraq, Iran and North Korea as an "axis of evil." This alleged axis then becomes the rationale for a grossly expanded military budget, the idea being that the United States must be prepared to fight a conventional war on three fronts. However, no such axis exists. North Korea is a tottering relic of a state whose nuclear operation was about to be bought off under the skilled leadership of the South Korean government when Bush jettisoned the deal. Iraq and Iran have been implacable foes for 25 years, and both were despised by the Taliban and Al Qaeda.

Meanwhile, a key Muslim ally of the United States, Saudi Arabia, produced 15 of the 19 Sept. 11 hijackers--and Bin Laden. Saudi Arabia is also where Al Qaeda does its biggest fund-raising and yet, inexplicably, it is excluded from the new enemies list. Even if the accepted goal were the overthrow of the three brutal regimes targeted by President Bush, that would hardly require an expansion of a war machine built to humble the Soviet Union in its prime.

Is Bush the younger now telling us that his father failed to topple Saddam Hussein because he lacked sufficient firepower? The road to Baghdad was wide open after we obliterated the vaunted Iraqi tank army in a matter of weeks. Or does Bush the younger have even more grandiose plans in mind? His astonishing budget makes sense only if we are planning to use our mighty military in a pseudo-religious quest to create a super-dominant Pax Americana. Bizarre as that sounds, it may be the real framework for Bush's proposed spending orgy.

In any case, almost every non-American speaker at the World Economic Forum in New York expressed fear at this specter. Even our own Bill Gates was alarmed at the United States' apparent hubris: "People who feel the world is tilted against them will spawn the kind of hatred that is very dangerous for all of us." Is it too much to ask that these billions, our billions, be spent to enhance our security rather than further erode it?

Robert Scheer writes a syndicated column.




4.

Sent by Ken <NCEpanacea@aol.com>

From: http://www.nypress.com/15/6/taki/bunker.cfm

Top Drawer-The Bunker

by George Szamuely

Happy Days, Here Again

Forget the war on terrorism. The United States is once again supporting the drug dealers, gangsters and warlord fundamentalists. The other day a State Dept. official met Chechnya's self-declared foreign minister, Ilyas Akhmadov. The Russians were dismayed. Having thrown their lot in with the supposed common struggle against terrorism, they find the Americans giving support to terrorists. Last month, after a post-Sept. 11 lull, the U.S. stepped up its criticism of human rights abuses in Chechnya. The Russians professed to be "amazed" that the United States, as Agence France Presse reported, would meet with Chechens, "whose direct links with Osama bin Laden and al-Qaeda are being proven with constantly emerging, irrefutable evidence."

Chechnya has always been seen here as a rerun of Kosovo, which itself was a rerun of Afghanistan. All the ingredients are there: a spurious "national liberation" struggle financed by organized crime, drug trafficking and the global Islamic network; support from Western governments and human rights groups; Islamic fundamentalism as a substitute for genuine nationhood; violently enforced clan loyalty; political legitimacy based on appeals to Islam; and terrorists in power. Consider Kosovo: The U.S. is currently brokering a deal on the distribution of power. Leaders of the three leading Kosovo Albanian parties recently met the head of the U.S. office in Pristina, John Menzies, and it was proposed that the job of prime minister should go to Hashim Thaci's Democratic Party of Kosovo (DPK). Thaci is the leader of the Kosovo Liberation Army (KLA). Its links to Islamic terrorism and bin Laden have been amply documented. The KLA allegedly disbanded after the NATO takeover and reconstituted itself as a "civil defense force," the Kosovo Protection Corps (KPC). Its wages were paid by the UN.

Last summer, the Bush administration discovered that the KPC was a terrorist organization after all and that it was fueling a terrorist insurgency in neighboring Macedonia. The President signed two decrees depriving "Albanian extremists who were threatening the stability of Macedonia" of all financial or material support. The decrees also barred them from entering the United States. This followed the embarrassing revelation that the U.S. military had facilitated the escape of NLA terrorists holed up in Arcinovo from the Macedonian army. According to Hamburger Abendblatt, "Among the rebels that were withdrawing were 17 "instructors" - former US officers that provided military training for the rebels. Not only that: the Macedonian security forces claim that 70 percent of the equipment that the guerrilla fighters took with them are of US production." The "instructors" were almost certainly members of an outfit called Military Professional Resources Incorporated (MPRI). It is filled with former senior U.S. Army personnel and works on contract for the U.S. government. It had trained and directed the Croatian army during Operation Storm, in which something like 300,000 Serbs were driven out of their homes in Krajina. One of the commanders of Operation Storm was an Albanian, Agim Ceku, who also happens to be the chief of the Kosovo Protection Corps.

The people Bush banned from entering the United States included Gezim Ostremi, the KPC's chief-of-staff; his replacement, Daut Haradinaj; the commander and deputy commander of the KPC'ôs elite force, the Rapid Reaction Corps, plus the leaders of two of its six regional divisions, Sami Lushtaku and Mustafa Rrustem. The UN expressed shock and surprise and demanded proof that people on its payroll were terrorists. This was an odd request. The UN had itself reported a year earlier that the KPC was a bunch of gangsters.

The U.S. decrees were more rhetoric than reality. As an Irish Times report put it sarcastically: "Commander Rrustem earned fame during the Kosovo war as one of the most successful guerrilla commanders. He has since become a favourite with NATO commanders, whose glowing commendations line the walls of his office. Certainly if the Americans have reservations about him they have yet to show it: on Tuesday two separate US army teams came to his base to train his men."

There we have it: The KLA-NLA terrorists are funded by U.S. military aid, the UN peacekeeping budget, Al Qaeda and by drug trafficking and prostitution. If everything goes according to plan, their leader is about to be appointed prime minister thanks to U.S. efforts. O what a lovely war! Now on to Central Asia.

Washington now has 13 bases in nine countries ringing Afghanistan and in the Gulf. Agreements are in place to use airfields in Tajikistan. An air base is being built in Kyrgyzstan to hold 3000 troops. Gen. Tommy Franks vows to crush the Islamic Movement of Uzbekistan. Assistant Secretary of State Elizabeth Jones promises $160 million in aid. Some 1500 U.S. servicemen are already stationed there; 3000 American troops are in Kyrgyzstan. Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz says the bases will serve to facilitate cooperation and training with the local military. In other words, the U.S. will, as in the Balkans, play the Islamists and anti-Islamists off against each other and reduce the countries to abject dependence. If the fates of Kosovo and Macedonia are anything to go by, the Soviet Union era will soon seem like a glorious one.




5.

From: Bazillions@aol.com
Date: Sat, 9 Feb 2002

From: vlerner@interpac.net (Viviane Lerner)

DAILY MAIL (London) February 6, 2002

FRANKENFOODS - The truth at last Geoffrey Lean

FORGET all those bland reassurances about the safety of GM foods and crops. Ignore all those patronising experts and Government ministers who have long insisted that the public has been irrational to suspect them. Two reports from the heart of the scientific establishment now reveal that the British people were right to have been worried. Housewives and their families turned against the so-called Frankenstein foods years ago, refusing to buy them. The supermarkets followed suit quickly, taking them off their shelves. This is likely to be recorded as the week in which those who are supposed to govern and guide us finally begin to abandon GM foods too.

Already ministers are edging away from the technology, which the Prime Minister once adopted almost as a personal crusade, and are increasingly talking up organic agriculture. Last week the official Curry Commision, set up at the height of the foot- and-mouth epidemic to review British farming, strongly backed chemical-free agriculture. It also called for the public's fears on GM crops to be 'respected'. Ministers welcomed the report and called for an independent debate on GM technology before any decision was taken to grow the crops commercially.

This week's reports - one from the Government's official wildlife watchdog, the other from Britain's principal scientific body - are bound to accelerate the retreat. They confirm that the two main concerns about the technology - first raised by the Daily Mail more than three years ago - are real. Genes have, as feared, escaped in pollen from GM crops, creating 'super weeds' which are resistant to herbicides; and GM foods - which Mr Blair said he was happy to feed his children - may indeed damage human health. Lord Melchett, who was arrested for uprooting GM crops, calls the reports a 'breakthrough' and Peter Ainsworth, the shadow environment secretary, says they show the Government must 'put caution first'.

The first report, by English Nature, bluntly concludes that it is 'inevitable' that super weeds will emerge in Britain if GM oilseed rape is grown here. A Canadian Government study found them at every site examined and discovered that the GM genes 'travelled' more than 730 metres from the crops. This makes a nonsense of Britain's safety precautions, which allow for a gap of only 50 metres between GM rape and other crops. But, alarmingly, the report adds that the genes spread so readily that even multiplying this distance many times over will do little to reduce the danger. It concludes that the contamination 'is almost impossible to prevent unless the crops are very widely dispersed'. It can say that again. Studies carried out by the National Pollen Research Unit for the Soil Association suggest that genes from oilseed rape could travel four miles, not just creating super weeds but endangering organic agriculture.

Organic farmers say they cannot coexist with GM technology, and that the public would be denied the chance to buy uncontaminated food if such crops were grown widely in Britain. And that is not the only danger. Once the super weeds get established, the report says, only highly toxic chemicals will get rid of them. The Canadians still use 2,4D, an ingredient of the infamous herbicide Agent Orange that was used in Vietnam and is banned in Britain.

The second report is, if anything, even more remarkable. It comes from the Royal Society which has been one of the most ardent proponents of GM technology in Britain. In 1998 it produced a report extolling its potential benefits for 'agriculture, food quality, nutrition and health'. But now it has evidently had second thoughts. A working group of the society, including some leading GM supporters, now reluctantly concludes that the foods may damage health after all. It continues to insist that 'there is no reason to doubt the safety of foods made from GM ingredients that are currently available' but adds that the technology could 'lead to unpredicted harmful changes' in ingredients put into infant foods or given to pregnant or breastfeeding women in future. And it adds that introducing a new gene into a plant could 'induce allergic reactions' in sensitive people. Even more disturbingly, the Royal Society questions the system used in Britain to determine whether GM foods are safe. This has long been attacked by critics as being specifically designed to avoid testing them. If GM foods are similar to non-GM ones in a limited way - such as the amounts of fibre and fatty acids, proteins, carbohydrates, vitamins and minerals they contain - it is simply assumed that the chemical and genetic differences will not make them more toxic. The authorities declare them to be 'substantially equivalent' to non-GM foods and wave them through. But the Royal Society, which is calling for the system to be tightened, now admits that this may not reveal 'any unexpected effects of genetic modification'.

This change of heart is long overdue. Both the scientific establishment and the Government have been complacent about the risks of GM technology. It is scandalous that such a slapdash method of checking for health dangers has been allowed to persist for so long. But the Government's attitude to testing for the spread of genes to create 'super weeds' and contaminate other crops has been almost as negligent. Ministers have sugested time and again that 'farm-scale trials' - where scores of fields have been split between GM and non-GM crops - would provide conclusive evidence on their safety. But the trials were not designed to look at whether genes escape, but at the effect different ways of using pesticides on the two crops had on wildlife. No wonder Environment Minister Michael Meacher admitted last week that the Government does not have high credibility' on GM issues and 'needs to listen' to the public. As the reports reveal, it should have done so a long time ago. Mr Blair should now follow the public he has so long misled and end this dangerous experiment with a hazardous and unwanted technology before it is too late.

GEOFFREY LEAN is an award-winning writer on the environment.

Norfolk Genetic Information Network
http://www.ngin.org.uk




6.

From: "Sibylle Hartmann" <greensib@hotmail.com>
Subject: SAT - Q&A
Date: Mon, 04 Feb 2002

The following questions and answers were collated from SAT tests given in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 17 year old students! (Don't laugh too hard - one of these may be the president someday.)

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to
drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water
tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon,
and
nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax
and
the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax
contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the
five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like
umbrellas.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.







BACK TO THE FIRST HOME PAGE OF THIS SITE